Cat? Killer?

(-Mike walks in the door-)

Me: Holy shit....

Cat: Meow meow.

Me: What do you mean you got bored? I've only been gone a week and a half.

Cat: Meow.

Me: Well...........is that blood on the floor? Whose bra is that?

Catcifixion

Jesus: Why you gotta do this, Dad? Why must this happen to me?
Cat: Meow meow.
Jesus: I know that. What else would they use those nails for?

Creepy Plotting Cat

Me: (over answering machine) Hey Cat. It's me. My flight just landed here in the Big Apple. Have fun while I'm gone. Be safe. Nothing too crazy. I'll see you when I get back. (beep)
(-Room is dark with a single candle lit. Cat is staring at a picture of his ex owner/my ex girlfriend-)
Cat: (Purr)

E for Emergency

Me: Dude. She's in the emergency room. Quick, grab your stuff, we have to save her.
(-Cat grabs a toy and rubs his face in cat nip-)
Me: Seriously?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Maybe you're right. Hold on. (Pulls up phone). Oh...she just got scratched by her other cat.
Cat: Meoooooowww!
Me: Sorry, buddy. I'll grab the beer.

Meeeeoooowwww

Me: Hey. There's a cat outside meowing at the front door.
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean you have a date?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: That's ridiculous, Cat. I thought we said 'screw girls' for a while.
Cat: Meow.
Me: No. That's not what I meant.....I meant screw them like......nevermind.

Cat Drinks?

Me: When She left you ere, where ew scaret?
Cat: Mreorw.
Me: I cran rimagine.
Cat: Mreoooow.
Me: I misssss herr rooo.
(-..............-)
Me: Wannnanotherr beeer?

Cat is Missing Out

Me: Did you hear that guy from Community is a rapper?
Cat: Meow Meow.
Me: How do you not know about Community?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Touche.

Dreaming of Sleeping

Me: Hey. I can't sleep.
Cat: (Purr)
Me: Yeah. I'm tired too. I just can't sleep.
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean I woke you up? You're eyes were open...
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: You sleep with your eyes open? So how will I know if you're asleep or not?
Cat: (Purr)
Me: Cat?

Lazy Sunday

Me: (Yawn)
Cat: (Yawn)
Me: What do you think we should do today?
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: No. Last time we chased birds, I fell off the balcony and broke my wrist.

Impressions of a Hairball

Me: Seriously?
(-A large hairball sits on the kitchen counter-)
Cat: Meow.
Me: Nice...I'm actually impressed.

Not Laid

Me: (On phone) Yeah. Definitely....We could see a movie or something....Yeah, I have some good ones....Inception?....Cool. What time you think?
Cat: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Me: (On phone) Hold on. (To Cat) What?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: (To Cat) Are you kidding me?! (On phone) Hey, sorry. Turns out my cat has worms and I gotta take him in to the vet.....Yeah. He's not mine......Hello?.....Hello?
Cat: Meow meow meow, meow meow.
Me: Shut up! I wasn't planning on marrying her! Get in the car.

99 Problems, and Mice Are All of Them

Me: Hey! There's a six car pileup down the street from here! Let's go!
(Cat and I run out the door)
(-At the pileup-)
Cat: Meow meow meow. Meow meow. (Hiss)
Me: What?! You were chasing a mouse?!

Racist Cat

Me: How the hell did you get in here?!
Random Asian Kid (RAK): I teleported through a single portal found three kilometers outside of a rift created in the space/time continuum, which led me to the fifth dimension, and....
Cat: Meow.
RAK: ....it was filled with those! (Runs out of house screaming)
Me: What the hell was that?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Seriously. Probably drugs.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: No. I ate all the tuna stir-fry. Why?

Other Cat and Man crime fighting teams......

R.I.P. Mr. Meowmers

Talking Cat?!

Me: I just spent the last two hours doing google-related things. I thought quitting cigarettes was hard.....is that shit in my tortoise soup?!
Cat: Meow. Meow meow meow.
Me: Yeah. Until you find a brown submarine sitting in your milk bowl.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Genui

Naked Wine

Me: There's a chick running around naked outside. I think she's drunk. I was going to ask her to come over, but I thought that might be weird. What do you think?
Cat: (Purrs)
Me: You're right. (Yells out the door) We have wine!

Tupac Plus Two

Me: Check my four pack out. Pretty sweet, huh? Almost at a six.
Cat: (Yawn)
Me: Fuck you
Cat: Meow

Fuck 'Da Police

Me: Dude. I hate my neighbor so much. I wish someone would just kill him.
(Knock Knock)
Me: Hold on. (opens door) Yes officer?
Officer of teh Law: Yes. We just found your neighbor scratched to death by cat claws. We're just informing people in the area to be aware of these dangers.
Me: Holy shit.
Cat: Meow.

Holy Virginity, Kitten!

Me: I know she's a virgin. But I don't know if I feel right being the one to take that away from her. I mean I like her, but I don't think I can offer much, and it's not my place to take something that precious away from someone. You know what I mean?
Cat: Meow.

Perception

Me: How very perceptive. You sir are a gentleman and a scholar.
Kitten: Meooow.
Me: Indeed!