Cat? Killer?

(-Mike walks in the door-)

Me: Holy shit....

Cat: Meow meow.

Me: What do you mean you got bored? I've only been gone a week and a half.

Cat: Meow.

Me: Well...........is that blood on the floor? Whose bra is that?

Catcifixion

Jesus: Why you gotta do this, Dad? Why must this happen to me?
Cat: Meow meow.
Jesus: I know that. What else would they use those nails for?

Creepy Plotting Cat

Me: (over answering machine) Hey Cat. It's me. My flight just landed here in the Big Apple. Have fun while I'm gone. Be safe. Nothing too crazy. I'll see you when I get back. (beep)
(-Room is dark with a single candle lit. Cat is staring at a picture of his ex owner/my ex girlfriend-)
Cat: (Purr)

E for Emergency

Me: Dude. She's in the emergency room. Quick, grab your stuff, we have to save her.
(-Cat grabs a toy and rubs his face in cat nip-)
Me: Seriously?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Maybe you're right. Hold on. (Pulls up phone). Oh...she just got scratched by her other cat.
Cat: Meoooooowww!
Me: Sorry, buddy. I'll grab the beer.

Meeeeoooowwww

Me: Hey. There's a cat outside meowing at the front door.
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean you have a date?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: That's ridiculous, Cat. I thought we said 'screw girls' for a while.
Cat: Meow.
Me: No. That's not what I meant.....I meant screw them like......nevermind.

Cat Drinks?

Me: When She left you ere, where ew scaret?
Cat: Mreorw.
Me: I cran rimagine.
Cat: Mreoooow.
Me: I misssss herr rooo.
(-..............-)
Me: Wannnanotherr beeer?

Cat is Missing Out

Me: Did you hear that guy from Community is a rapper?
Cat: Meow Meow.
Me: How do you not know about Community?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Touche.