Impressions of a Hairball

Me: Seriously?
(-A large hairball sits on the kitchen counter-)
Cat: Meow.
Me: Nice...I'm actually impressed.

Not Laid

Me: (On phone) Yeah. Definitely....We could see a movie or something....Yeah, I have some good ones....Inception?....Cool. What time you think?
Cat: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Me: (On phone) Hold on. (To Cat) What?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: (To Cat) Are you kidding me?! (On phone) Hey, sorry. Turns out my cat has worms and I gotta take him in to the vet.....Yeah. He's not mine......Hello?.....Hello?
Cat: Meow meow meow, meow meow.
Me: Shut up! I wasn't planning on marrying her! Get in the car.

99 Problems, and Mice Are All of Them

Me: Hey! There's a six car pileup down the street from here! Let's go!
(Cat and I run out the door)
(-At the pileup-)
Cat: Meow meow meow. Meow meow. (Hiss)
Me: What?! You were chasing a mouse?!

Racist Cat

Me: How the hell did you get in here?!
Random Asian Kid (RAK): I teleported through a single portal found three kilometers outside of a rift created in the space/time continuum, which led me to the fifth dimension, and....
Cat: Meow.
RAK: ....it was filled with those! (Runs out of house screaming)
Me: What the hell was that?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Seriously. Probably drugs.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: No. I ate all the tuna stir-fry. Why?

Other Cat and Man crime fighting teams......

R.I.P. Mr. Meowmers

Talking Cat?!

Me: I just spent the last two hours doing google-related things. I thought quitting cigarettes was hard.....is that shit in my tortoise soup?!
Cat: Meow. Meow meow meow.
Me: Yeah. Until you find a brown submarine sitting in your milk bowl.