Valenpoop Day

Me: Hey Cat. Happy valentines day.
Cat: Meow. Meow meow meow meow.
Me: Aw. Cat, you didn't have to get me anything.
(-Cat leads Mike to the other side of the room. A piece of poop lays on the floor-)
Me: Cat!?
(-Cat runs away-)
Me: Yeah. Right. Happy valentines day my ass.

Doctor? Who?

(-Mike is in a suit similar to the eleventh Doctor in 'Doctor Who' running around the house-)
Me: Cat?!
Cat: Meow?!
Me: Cat! My sonic screwdriver! Quick!
(-Cat runs up to Mike with a screwdriver in his mouth. Mike grabs it and points it at the door-)
.......
(-the doorbell rings. Mike and Cat look at each other-)
Cat: Meow?
(-Mike opens the door-)
Pizza Man: Are you Michael?
Me: No....tell him Cat.
Cat: Meow meow, meow.
Me: Exactly. I'm the Doctor.
..............
Me: Yes, I'm Michael. Give me that.
(-Mike grabs the pizza and shuts the door-)

In Class

(-Mike is sitting in class and his phone rings. He bends down and answers it-)
Me: Hello?
Cat: (over phone) Meow.
Me: Cat, I'm in class!
(-Mike hangs up and straightens back in his chair-)
Me: Wait, what?!

Reverse Psychology

Me: Hey Cat. I have some left over eggs. Do you want 'em?
Cat: Meow.
(-Cat uses his paw and dumps the eggs all over the floor-)
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean disgusting? I'll eat them if you don't.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: Shut up. You know I'm trying to watch my weight.

Excuses, Excuses

Cat: Meow.
Me: Hey buddy. I'm working on the web series.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: I know I was supposed to have it up two years ago. I got busy.
Cat: Meow, meow.
Me: Shut up. You don't even know what that means.

Weeds

Me: She's gone. You can come out now.
(-Cat crawls out of a hole in the wall-)
Cat: Meow?
Me: No. She just wanted her box set of Weeds back.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: I know. Finished it yesterday....high-five.
(-Mike holds up his hand. Cat looks at it, and turns away-)
Me: Right.

She's Back?

(-Door rings-)

Me: Cat! Can you get that?!..........Cat?!........Cat!

(-Mike runs downstairs where Cat is staring at his ex-owner/Mike's ex-girlfriend at the door-)

Cat: Meow.

Me: My sentiments exactly.

Cat? Killer?

(-Mike walks in the door-)

Me: Holy shit....

Cat: Meow meow.

Me: What do you mean you got bored? I've only been gone a week and a half.

Cat: Meow.

Me: Well...........is that blood on the floor? Whose bra is that?

Catcifixion

Jesus: Why you gotta do this, Dad? Why must this happen to me?
Cat: Meow meow.
Jesus: I know that. What else would they use those nails for?

Creepy Plotting Cat

Me: (over answering machine) Hey Cat. It's me. My flight just landed here in the Big Apple. Have fun while I'm gone. Be safe. Nothing too crazy. I'll see you when I get back. (beep)
(-Room is dark with a single candle lit. Cat is staring at a picture of his ex owner/my ex girlfriend-)
Cat: (Purr)

E for Emergency

Me: Dude. She's in the emergency room. Quick, grab your stuff, we have to save her.
(-Cat grabs a toy and rubs his face in cat nip-)
Me: Seriously?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Maybe you're right. Hold on. (Pulls up phone). Oh...she just got scratched by her other cat.
Cat: Meoooooowww!
Me: Sorry, buddy. I'll grab the beer.

Meeeeoooowwww

Me: Hey. There's a cat outside meowing at the front door.
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean you have a date?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: That's ridiculous, Cat. I thought we said 'screw girls' for a while.
Cat: Meow.
Me: No. That's not what I meant.....I meant screw them like......nevermind.

Cat Drinks?

Me: When She left you ere, where ew scaret?
Cat: Mreorw.
Me: I cran rimagine.
Cat: Mreoooow.
Me: I misssss herr rooo.
(-..............-)
Me: Wannnanotherr beeer?

Cat is Missing Out

Me: Did you hear that guy from Community is a rapper?
Cat: Meow Meow.
Me: How do you not know about Community?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Touche.

Dreaming of Sleeping

Me: Hey. I can't sleep.
Cat: (Purr)
Me: Yeah. I'm tired too. I just can't sleep.
Cat: Meow.
Me: What do you mean I woke you up? You're eyes were open...
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: You sleep with your eyes open? So how will I know if you're asleep or not?
Cat: (Purr)
Me: Cat?

Lazy Sunday

Me: (Yawn)
Cat: (Yawn)
Me: What do you think we should do today?
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: No. Last time we chased birds, I fell off the balcony and broke my wrist.

Impressions of a Hairball

Me: Seriously?
(-A large hairball sits on the kitchen counter-)
Cat: Meow.
Me: Nice...I'm actually impressed.

Not Laid

Me: (On phone) Yeah. Definitely....We could see a movie or something....Yeah, I have some good ones....Inception?....Cool. What time you think?
Cat: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Me: (On phone) Hold on. (To Cat) What?!
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: (To Cat) Are you kidding me?! (On phone) Hey, sorry. Turns out my cat has worms and I gotta take him in to the vet.....Yeah. He's not mine......Hello?.....Hello?
Cat: Meow meow meow, meow meow.
Me: Shut up! I wasn't planning on marrying her! Get in the car.

99 Problems, and Mice Are All of Them

Me: Hey! There's a six car pileup down the street from here! Let's go!
(Cat and I run out the door)
(-At the pileup-)
Cat: Meow meow meow. Meow meow. (Hiss)
Me: What?! You were chasing a mouse?!

Racist Cat

Me: How the hell did you get in here?!
Random Asian Kid (RAK): I teleported through a single portal found three kilometers outside of a rift created in the space/time continuum, which led me to the fifth dimension, and....
Cat: Meow.
RAK: ....it was filled with those! (Runs out of house screaming)
Me: What the hell was that?
Cat: Meow.
Me: Seriously. Probably drugs.
Cat: Meow meow.
Me: No. I ate all the tuna stir-fry. Why?